I want to be sitting by the ocean right now, with my ipod on, with my feet in the sand, the sun blazing down on me, with a frozen drink in my hand.
Or I want to be in a cabin, in the middle of the mountains, with a cozy fire going, a big wool sweater on, and a hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps in my hand.
I also wouldn’t mind being on Lake Tahoe, on a boat, going around the lake, with the wind breezing through my long hair, music playing, with a coors light in my hand.
Maybe on a frozen pond, wearing mittens, holding hands with someone, laughing because we aren’t the best skaters but we’re having a blast, sipping a tazo chai.
I’d like to be at a black tie party, in a sexy black dress, with my hair up, the perfect accessories and shoes, a new perfume, and a martini in my hand.
I wish I were babysitting the kids I used to years ago, going outside with them, building a snowman, coming inside and baking homemade cookies, with a tall glass of milk in my hand.
I’d like to be in front of the tv, watching Grey’s Anatomy, with my best friends, under a blanket, in comfy clothes, with a glass of wine in my hand.
I’d like to be in bed, under high thread count sheets, with a good man, with playful laughter and longing glances, hair sweeping gestures and morning breath, and two cups of french vanilla coffee.
I’d like to be celebrating the new year, with those that mean the most to me, with new years paraphernalia, steamers, sparkles, and a glass of champagne in my hand.
I’d be happy to be at the mall, shopping at Crate and Barrel, and Express, with no lines, and sales, sipping an Orange Julius.
I’d like to be somewhere far away from here, where I’ve never been, exploring new things, and new people, with a drink I’ve never had in my life in my hand.
December 2006
December 28, 2006
December 28, 2006
I want to be sitting by the ocean right now, with my ipod on, with my feet in the sand, the sun blazing down on me, with a frozen drink in my hand.
Or I want to be in a cabin, in the middle of the mountains, with a cozy fire going, a big wool sweater on, and a hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps in my hand.
I also wouldn’t mind being on Lake Tahoe, on a boat, going around the lake, with the wind breezing through my long hair, music playing, with a coors light in my hand.
Maybe on a frozen pond, wearing mittens, holding hands with someone, laughing because we aren’t the best skaters but we’re having a blast, sipping a tazo chai.
I’d like to be at a black tie party, in a sexy black dress, with my hair up, the perfect accessories and shoes, a new perfume, and a martini in my hand.
I wish I were babysitting the kids I used to years ago, going outside with them, building a snowman, coming inside and baking homemade cookies, with a tall glass of milk in my hand.
I’d like to be in front of the tv, watching Grey’s Anatomy, with my best friends, under a blanket, in comfy clothes, with a glass of wine in my hand.
I’d like to be in bed, under high thread count sheets, with a good man, with playful laughter and longing glances, hair sweeping gestures and morning breath, and two cups of french vanilla coffee.
I’d like to be celebrating the new year, with those that mean the most to me, with new years paraphernalia, steamers, sparkles, and a glass of champagne in my hand.
I’d be happy to be at the mall, shopping at Crate and Barrel, and Express, with no lines, and sales, sipping an Orange Julius.
I’d like to be somewhere far away from here, where I’ve never been, exploring new things, and new people, with a drink I’ve never had in my life in my hand.
December 26, 2006
At first I thought the goosebumps were from the window that I had cracked open while I was drying my hair this morning getting ready for holiday festivities. But as I heard Merideth Viera telling the story of this precious group of ladies and their annual holiday tradition, I realized it was actually the tv segment, that was giving me the chills.
I feel very lucky this holiday season to be surrounded by amazing friends and family. To those that I love that are far away (B, S, Dad), I hope that you are enjoying the holiday surrounded by friends and family. To everyone else, I wish you all a happy season, spent with those that mean the most to you.
December 25, 2006
At first I thought the goosebumps were from the window that I had cracked open while I was drying my hair this morning getting ready for holiday festivities. But as I heard Merideth Viera telling the story of this precious group of ladies and their annual holiday tradition, I realized it was actually the tv segment, that was giving me the chills.
I feel very lucky this holiday season to be surrounded by amazing friends and family. To those that I love that are far away (B, S, Dad), I hope that you are enjoying the holiday surrounded by friends and family. To everyone else, I wish you all a happy season, spent with those that mean the most to you.
December 22, 2006
“I don’t mean this to be mean,” she said, “but you are the only person I know, your age, that doesn’t want to pull their hair out when it comes to dating.” I said nothing, just stared at her. Was she going to say something else? Was it my turn? Did she want my reaction to that? I had nothing. “Most people your age are all caught up in meeting the next man, the perfect man, being in a relationship. You just seem to be so at ease about it all, like it’s not even much of a priority.” Well, it’s NOT a priority. By any means. I have always felt that when the time is right, things happen. That there is a reason behind everything and right now, I’m single for a reason. I’m usually pretty fine with it.
I do often find myself missing good parts of relationships past, but I also find that I’m totally caught up in the good parts of being single. Not having anyone to check in with, doing my own thing, when I want to do it. Less money spent around the holiday season. Time to take creative classes like cooking and “change your inner talk change your world” (I took it, it works… I need to review the notes though, toxic voices are somewhat loud lately). Things like that, about being single, that I’m enjoying and wholeheartedly delving into. Sure I would like a cute man companion to be on board with me, but I’m not feeling incomplete because I don’t have it. It’s just… it’s not a priority, she was right.
Okay, so there do happen to be people on my mind that are unavailable. Physically. And emotionally. Okay, and geographically. Etc. Etc. Blah blah blah.
I’ve learned, that it’s better to be single, and attracted to someone unavailable, than in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. I’ve learned, that there is a difference between someone who is available physically for a relationship, and being emotionally available to be in one. I’ve learned, that you can even be in a relationship, with someone who appears to be by all definitions, “available,” but turns out that ends up being so far from the truth it’s scary. Being with someone who isn’t emotionally available, to love you the way you need to be loved, to make you feel secure and comforted in the relationship, to make you happy, well that experience is just awful. It’s painful. And sad.
So, I’ve learned, there’s many ways to be involved with an unavailable person. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s happening, until you’re in the thick of it, and it’s too late. No warning. No sign that they are going to be emotionally not available for you. Sometimes it’s hard to see that distinction, when it’s not a physical availability we’re talking about, rather an emotional one.
What I haven’t learned, is how, or why I guess, I have been involved in these type of situations, and how to kind of… avoid them? But then again not all of them have even turned out bad. They all really have been experiences from which I’ve grown. They’ve happened, and sometimes it’s sucked, but they all have taught me something or another.
“What are you thinking right now?” she asked.
“I don’t know.”
I don’t always know what to say when she asks me these questions, these things that I sometimes think are randomly out of the blue. But at least it gets me thinking.
December 22, 2006
“I don’t mean this to be mean,” she said, “but you are the only person I know, your age, that doesn’t want to pull their hair out when it comes to dating.” I said nothing, just stared at her. Was she going to say something else? Was it my turn? Did she want my reaction to that? I had nothing. “Most people your age are all caught up in meeting the next man, the perfect man, being in a relationship. You just seem to be so at ease about it all, like it’s not even much of a priority.” Well, it’s NOT a priority. By any means. I have always felt that when the time is right, things happen. That there is a reason behind everything and right now, I’m single for a reason. I’m usually pretty fine with it.
I do often find myself missing good parts of relationships past, but I also find that I’m totally caught up in the good parts of being single. Not having anyone to check in with, doing my own thing, when I want to do it. Less money spent around the holiday season. Time to take creative classes like cooking and “change your inner talk change your world” (I took it, it works… I need to review the notes though, toxic voices are somewhat loud lately). Things like that, about being single, that I’m enjoying and wholeheartedly delving into. Sure I would like a cute man companion to be on board with me, but I’m not feeling incomplete because I don’t have it. It’s just… it’s not a priority, she was right.
Okay, so there do happen to be people on my mind that are unavailable. Physically. And emotionally. Okay, and geographically. Etc. Etc. Blah blah blah.
I’ve learned, that it’s better to be single, and attracted to someone unavailable, than in a relationship with someone who is unavailable. I’ve learned, that there is a difference between someone who is available physically for a relationship, and being emotionally available to be in one. I’ve learned, that you can even be in a relationship, with someone who appears to be by all definitions, “available,” but turns out that ends up being so far from the truth it’s scary. Being with someone who isn’t emotionally available, to love you the way you need to be loved, to make you feel secure and comforted in the relationship, to make you happy, well that experience is just awful. It’s painful. And sad.
So, I’ve learned, there’s many ways to be involved with an unavailable person. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s happening, until you’re in the thick of it, and it’s too late. No warning. No sign that they are going to be emotionally not available for you. Sometimes it’s hard to see that distinction, when it’s not a physical availability we’re talking about, rather an emotional one.
What I haven’t learned, is how, or why I guess, I have been involved in these type of situations, and how to kind of… avoid them? But then again not all of them have even turned out bad. They all really have been experiences from which I’ve grown. They’ve happened, and sometimes it’s sucked, but they all have taught me something or another.
“What are you thinking right now?” she asked.
“I don’t know.”
I don’t always know what to say when she asks me these questions, these things that I sometimes think are randomly out of the blue. But at least it gets me thinking.
December 21, 2006
I happen to be one of THE biggest fans of Sex and the City ever. I was so into the series when it was on, so into all of the characters and their lives and who each of them would be out of my friends. When I lived with D, T, and M, we would go out and say we were the girls from the show. We’d try and think of who was who. I’ve always been a Carrie. I have a Mr. Big. I loved every single episode of the show and watch the dvd’s I own frequently, now with the commentary to hear more about the writing behind the characters and what went into it all.
And this past weekend, I had the most amazing Sex and the City experience ever! It was a 3 hour bus ride where I was in my absolute glory. I loved every moment of it. I just had to come here and write about this wonderfully amazing tour.
The ride started right outside Central Park. We got on the bus and the tour guide (Stephanie), had us look out the bus to our right, to where Carrie had said goodbye to Big before he went into his engagement party with Natasha. This is also where the scene was filmed where Miranda was in charge of the guest book at her friends wedding, and Charlotte wore that amazing bridesmaid’s dress and slept with the best man during the reception. Also where, at the last scene of season six, Carrie walks down the street and gets the phone call from “John.”
After each spot we saw, we were able to watch the scene on the little screens in the bus. So cool. The next stop was to that little random sex shop where Charlotte was introduced to the “rabbit.” I loved that episode. We got to go into that location, into the sex store, where we got 15 minutes to shop around. From there we went by the church where Samantha met one of the only guys that she wasn’t able to get- Friar Fuck. Remember him? He was that good looking priest that Samantha was into, and started to go to church for. From there we went to the Magnolia Bakery where Carrie and Miranda have eaten cupcakes outside of before. We all got a yummy freebie cupcake, and from there….oh my god… we went to Carrie’s front steps. This was my favorite part of the whole tour.
Some other stops included that cool bar that Aiden and Steve owned where we all had a cosmo, the place where Carrie and the girls were trying all the different perfumes and she announced to them that she was “taking a lovah,” Charlotte’s art gallery, Samantha’s apartment, and sooo many more.
There were tons of other stops, many little tidbits we learned, scenes we got to view, behind the scene info given to us. And I loved every minute of the whole thing. I’m such a SATC addict that I could go on and on and on about it all, because it was really, that good. So good. I just had to say something about it, because it’s something I’m going to always remember. Man I miss that show.
December 21, 2006
I happen to be one of THE biggest fans of Sex and the City ever. I was so into the series when it was on, so into all of the characters and their lives and who each of them would be out of my friends. When I lived with D, T, and M, we would go out and say we were the girls from the show. We’d try and think of who was who. I’ve always been a Carrie. I have a Mr. Big. I loved every single episode of the show and watch the dvd’s I own frequently, now with the commentary to hear more about the writing behind the characters and what went into it all.
And this past weekend, I had the most amazing Sex and the City experience ever! It was a 3 hour bus ride where I was in my absolute glory. I loved every moment of it. I just had to come here and write about this wonderfully amazing tour.
The ride started right outside Central Park. We got on the bus and the tour guide (Stephanie), had us look out the bus to our right, to where Carrie had said goodbye to Big before he went into his engagement party with Natasha. This is also where the scene was filmed where Miranda was in charge of the guest book at her friends wedding, and Charlotte wore that amazing bridesmaid’s dress and slept with the best man during the reception. Also where, at the last scene of season six, Carrie walks down the street and gets the phone call from “John.”
After each spot we saw, we were able to watch the scene on the little screens in the bus. So cool. The next stop was to that little random sex shop where Charlotte was introduced to the “rabbit.” I loved that episode. We got to go into that location, into the sex store, where we got 15 minutes to shop around. From there we went by the church where Samantha met one of the only guys that she wasn’t able to get- Friar Fuck. Remember him? He was that good looking priest that Samantha was into, and started to go to church for. From there we went to the Magnolia Bakery where Carrie and Miranda have eaten cupcakes outside of before. We all got a yummy freebie cupcake, and from there….oh my god… we went to Carrie’s front steps. This was my favorite part of the whole tour.
Some other stops included that cool bar that Aiden and Steve owned where we all had a cosmo, the place where Carrie and the girls were trying all the different perfumes and she announced to them that she was “taking a lovah,” Charlotte’s art gallery, Samantha’s apartment, and sooo many more.
There were tons of other stops, many little tidbits we learned, scenes we got to view, behind the scene info given to us. And I loved every minute of the whole thing. I’m such a SATC addict that I could go on and on and on about it all, because it was really, that good. So good. I just had to say something about it, because it’s something I’m going to always remember. Man I miss that show.
December 14, 2006
I’m an idiot. I do this every time. I can’t complain, because I do it to myself. I put my damn self into this situation, and then I whine about it. I whine, and I cry, because I don’t know what to do with myself after it happens. I could prevent it though. Why don’t I? Why not avoid the calls, the freaking looking for you here, or there? Why do would I do that?? Why do I do this? I am such a stupid shit for this, and have no right to whine about it because it’s preventable. It’s something I have control over. I have been told, before, that in life, there are some things that you just have no control over. I have control over this. Worry about things which you have control over. I have control over me whining about feeling like THIS.
Alone. Lonely. Without YOU. And it’s not even the YOU that I’m missing it’s the THING that we had. The relationship and the GOOD of it. None of the bad. And when this happens? I think of the good, not the bad. Why is it just the good I think of? How is that fair? Why would my mind do that to me, filter out the bad? As a defense mechanism type thing? F that. I need the bad. I NEED the bad. To remind me. To remember. To confirm. To assure me that I did make the decision based on the bad. The bad outweighed the good. The bad outweighed the good. (repition will make me believe)…
At times like these, shit, the good is all over the place. Why? Why can’t the bad the here, all of the time? Must the good be in my face all the time? It doesn’t help. It doesn’t help for us to talk, for me to initiate, to call, to send this or that and pretend. It’s pretending. That’s what it is. I think I’m ready for it; I over and over convince myself that now, I am ready. That you’ve moved on so I should be too. And I have. In so many ways. But here it is, one year later and so much has changed…
Yet….
God.
December 13, 2006
I’m an idiot. I do this every time. I can’t complain, because I do it to myself. I put my damn self into this situation, and then I whine about it. I whine, and I cry, because I don’t know what to do with myself after it happens. I could prevent it though. Why don’t I? Why not avoid the calls, the freaking looking for you here, or there? Why do would I do that?? Why do I do this? I am such a stupid shit for this, and have no right to whine about it because it’s preventable. It’s something I have control over. I have been told, before, that in life, there are some things that you just have no control over. I have control over this. Worry about things which you have control over. I have control over me whining about feeling like THIS.
Alone. Lonely. Without YOU. And it’s not even the YOU that I’m missing it’s the THING that we had. The relationship and the GOOD of it. None of the bad. And when this happens? I think of the good, not the bad. Why is it just the good I think of? How is that fair? Why would my mind do that to me, filter out the bad? As a defense mechanism type thing? F that. I need the bad. I NEED the bad. To remind me. To remember. To confirm. To assure me that I did make the decision based on the bad. The bad outweighed the good. The bad outweighed the good. (repition will make me believe)…
At times like these, shit, the good is all over the place. Why? Why can’t the bad the here, all of the time? Must the good be in my face all the time? It doesn’t help. It doesn’t help for us to talk, for me to initiate, to call, to send this or that and pretend. It’s pretending. That’s what it is. I think I’m ready for it; I over and over convince myself that now, I am ready. That you’ve moved on so I should be too. And I have. In so many ways. But here it is, one year later and so much has changed…
Yet….
God.
