*Lengthy post ahead… proceed with caution.*

Today I am wearing a cute new, black & white shirt from Express, black capris, and one of my favorite pairs of red shoes.

Granted I don’t usually go on about what outfits I might be strutting whilst composing posts, yet today, I thought it was pertinent.

A good friend once told me (and I can’t remember the exact wording, but the sentiment isn’t lost), if you’re not feeling your best, dressing in a cute outfit, makes you feel better.

So what I’m saying is, though I’m not feeling great (understatement) today, I at least am not a walking picture of sulk.  I at least have that going for me.

******************************************************

I’ve been thinking about how to appropriately write this post. 

I’ve been staring at a blinking cursor for ten minutes.

 

Mr. Match man and I are no longer.

I just had this feeling that something was off.  After last week’s really tough 24 hour span that we spent together after my grandmother’s funeral, where we were bickery and skutchy (made up word) with each other off and on all day, I had a gut sense that things were just not… right.  But, he was the one who assured me, over and over, “Brookem, let’s just chalk this up to a bad day and go forward.  It would be a shame to call it quits after what just seems to be a bad 24 hours.”

I was leary, but I agreed.  Reluctantly, I agreed.  I liked him.  I wanted it to work with him.  Yet I remember, when we were talking about it all earlier that day, talking about us, I remember talking about the idea that two people can sometimes really get on well, be into each other, yet that does not always equal compatibility.  I remember, clearly, discussing this, but what really sticks out, is the feeling that I had when we talked about it.  Relief.  I felt almost as though a weight had been lifted, once that all was thrown out on the table.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized, that kind of thing can happen.  You can be really into someone, but that doesn’t necessarily a great relationship make.

Anyway, interesting enough, he was the one trying to convince me.  He was the one saying how much he liked me and wanted things to work with us.  I liked him enough too to at least not just throw my hands up in the air after a bad day and say screw the whole thing, so I went with it.  We took a week off from seeing each other.  I sent him a heartfelt email at the end of last week, thanking him for being so very supportive during this difficult time I’ve been going through, and how much that has meant to me.  He thanked me for the email (through text), but didn’t reply.  That was all fine, afterall, I didn’t write the email to warrent his response.  I wrote it for me.

Since then, things have seemed different.  He had been a little slower to respond to me, slower to initiate contact and just overall, I got the sense that things were different.  Something had shifted.  Of course, being the overanalyzer that I am, and The Crazy in me unable to be silenced, I thought the worst.  He’s done, I told my close friends.  No way, they reassured me.  He’s so into you.

I just figured he was giving me the space that I said that I was looking for.  That I said I needed.  That I do need, to find some sense of balance back in my life after all that has gone down.  When I said space, I didn’t mean space from him, but I wondered whether he took it as that.

Well, he didn’t.  He took the space because he wanted it.  I just had this feeling.  This feeling that things were no longer on the same page with us. 

When we talked last night, he was saying words to me that I felt like I could have scripted out.  I knew what he was about to say before he even said it.  I had been feeling this coming, preparing for this for the past few days.  It was a suprise, but really, it wasn’t.                                                    

***********************************************

There were lots of little things with us.  Little things about each other, that just… got on each of our nerves.  And truth be told, it wasn’t just a snapshot in time, just a bad 24 hour stint.  It was little things that came up here and there, and though they were just that, minor, little things, the little things add up.

They added up.

I am upset that it’s over.  I mean, I liked him, I really did.  I put myself out there, kept on trucking, past date four and five and then onto eight and nine, until I lost count of what date we were on.  I continued on seeing him, got myself past my Jump Ship stage, and was feeling pretty okay about things.  He was the one that seemed more into it than me.  I kept going with it, trying not to be so damn attached to the outcome.

The thing is, it was all very lukewarm.  I liked him, he liked me, but there were things.  Stuff was grating on us about each other, as much as we both wanted it to work, as much as we both really do like each other, it just wasn’t meant to be.  And really, the thing is, I know it all takes work, but, should it take this much work, so soon?  I don’t think so.

And that’s still kind of sad.  I feel dissapointed that it ended.  Dissapointed and sad that it’s over.  Perhaps I kind of had an inkling, and it very well could have been that I would have been the one calling it quits two weeks from now, who knows.  And I’m sad that he ended it, and not me.  As if that really even matters, but still.  Who likes to be on the receiving end of this type of thing?  Even if you do kind of agree with it all, rejection never feels good.  It just doesn’t; no matter how much “sense” it all makes.  I’ve never been on this side of things, always the one to end things first.  I wouldn’t say that position is any easier or better or more ideal.  Both suck.  This is just different.

I guess it’s better that it happened sooner, rather than later.  I know in my heart that it’s good that I saw this one through, for what it’s worth, the whole experience certaintly was not for nothing.  I know that this will end up being one of those “learning” and “growing” experiences for me.  Eventually.

We both like each other, it’s just not meant to be.

Oh, and timing sucks.

***************************************************

So, today I’m wearing that cute outfit.  And I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my friend is right.

 

 

Now please excuse me while I ponder what after(?) work cocktails I will be seeing my way to today.