speaking too soon?

I’ve lost almost 10 pounds since I started this bootcamp and started with the Tae Bo replacement.

I say this with trepidation, for I am not one to go on about achieving weight loss and fitness goals simply because I fear that I’m going to jinx the whole thing in doing so.

Jinxing. I feel like that about a lot of things in my life actually. Hesitant to talk about a new dude who I have a little flirtation going on with, or a new job prospect for example, because what if too much talk about it, too much expectation, too many high hopes, what if it turns out to be a big fat FAIL in my face?

I get leery to discuss new possibilities- a potential new job, relationship prospects, new things that “could” be, in general, because I have a nagging fear that in doing so, they may not come to fruition, and then what?

That sounds pretty glass-half-empty slash Debbie Downer-ish, doesn’t it? Yet I would not say that I’m a negative person, by nature. I try and see the bright side of things, look for the best in a crap situation, the silver lining, find some sort of good out of a bad thing. I’m described by my close friends as a confidant, one that people feel comfy going to for encouragement and hope. I refuse to let negativity consume me, yet I wonder whether this denying myself the right to feel excitement about something I’m interested in, is in fact a form of negativity in itself?

It’s not that I don’t feel that I’m deserving of securing that job, getting that man, achieving my goals, losing those extra 5 pounds, I do. More than anything, I guess a big part of it, and this is probably right at the root of the whole story, is that I feel that in talking about it all too much, in making others aware of what I want and hope for, if I don’t get it? Then I feel like I’ve failed.

Who likes failing?

And I know, I know that’s all very silly, and I shouldn’t give a rats ass what other people think, but I do. So I keep mum about certain things to certain people, until I feel comfortable that I’m seeing some positive progress in the direction that I’m hoping for, and then, and probably not until then, will I make any sort of peep about it.

So I’m trying to make a change with all of that. I’m gung ho for the Law of Attraction and all of that jazz; it’s always been something I have been down with- putting out good vibes into the Universe and in doing so, getting good things back at me. I try to envision the life that I would like to lead, the people I want with me for the ride, the job I’d like to wake up for every morning, the man I’d like to lie down with every night, the amazing places I wish to travel one day, and the body I want to be living this amazing life in.

From now on, I’m going to try and be more easy on myself, actually let myself feel excited about something that maybe could be, and see where that takes me.

Because what’s the worst that could happen in doing this? Say I envision myself brunching with Gerard Butler next month? I actually picture him picking me up at my pad, driving me off in his swanky wheels (or motorcycle, I’d like him to take me away on a hot Harley), us picnicing in the park, him scooping me into a big bear hug, tossing me on the bed, and telling me I’m the One he’s been waiting for. Say I actually believe that might happen (even if it dare say, might be a spec? of a stretch). And say that in the meantime I keep kicking bootcamps ass, lose a couple more pounds, meet a cute guy I think is something special, and I actually speak up about it all to my friends, to you, as it’s happening?

So what if some (or none) of it happens? What’s really so bad about that? Isn’t the whole potentially-getting-there-process fun and exciting and character building in the meantime?

I’m going to go with yes.

 

off of the ship that was in lukewarm water

*Lengthy post ahead… proceed with caution.*

Today I am wearing a cute new, black & white shirt from Express, black capris, and one of my favorite pairs of red shoes.

Granted I don’t usually go on about what outfits I might be strutting whilst composing posts, yet today, I thought it was pertinent.

A good friend once told me (and I can’t remember the exact wording, but the sentiment isn’t lost), if you’re not feeling your best, dressing in a cute outfit, makes you feel better.

So what I’m saying is, though I’m not feeling great (understatement) today, I at least am not a walking picture of sulk.  I at least have that going for me.

******************************************************

I’ve been thinking about how to appropriately write this post. 

I’ve been staring at a blinking cursor for ten minutes.

 

Mr. Match man and I are no longer.

I just had this feeling that something was off.  After last week’s really tough 24 hour span that we spent together after my grandmother’s funeral, where we were bickery and skutchy (made up word) with each other off and on all day, I had a gut sense that things were just not… right.  But, he was the one who assured me, over and over, “Brookem, let’s just chalk this up to a bad day and go forward.  It would be a shame to call it quits after what just seems to be a bad 24 hours.”

I was leary, but I agreed.  Reluctantly, I agreed.  I liked him.  I wanted it to work with him.  Yet I remember, when we were talking about it all earlier that day, talking about us, I remember talking about the idea that two people can sometimes really get on well, be into each other, yet that does not always equal compatibility.  I remember, clearly, discussing this, but what really sticks out, is the feeling that I had when we talked about it.  Relief.  I felt almost as though a weight had been lifted, once that all was thrown out on the table.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized, that kind of thing can happen.  You can be really into someone, but that doesn’t necessarily a great relationship make.

Anyway, interesting enough, he was the one trying to convince me.  He was the one saying how much he liked me and wanted things to work with us.  I liked him enough too to at least not just throw my hands up in the air after a bad day and say screw the whole thing, so I went with it.  We took a week off from seeing each other.  I sent him a heartfelt email at the end of last week, thanking him for being so very supportive during this difficult time I’ve been going through, and how much that has meant to me.  He thanked me for the email (through text), but didn’t reply.  That was all fine, afterall, I didn’t write the email to warrent his response.  I wrote it for me.

Since then, things have seemed different.  He had been a little slower to respond to me, slower to initiate contact and just overall, I got the sense that things were different.  Something had shifted.  Of course, being the overanalyzer that I am, and The Crazy in me unable to be silenced, I thought the worst.  He’s done, I told my close friends.  No way, they reassured me.  He’s so into you.

I just figured he was giving me the space that I said that I was looking for.  That I said I needed.  That I do need, to find some sense of balance back in my life after all that has gone down.  When I said space, I didn’t mean space from him, but I wondered whether he took it as that.

Well, he didn’t.  He took the space because he wanted it.  I just had this feeling.  This feeling that things were no longer on the same page with us. 

When we talked last night, he was saying words to me that I felt like I could have scripted out.  I knew what he was about to say before he even said it.  I had been feeling this coming, preparing for this for the past few days.  It was a suprise, but really, it wasn’t.                                                    

***********************************************

There were lots of little things with us.  Little things about each other, that just… got on each of our nerves.  And truth be told, it wasn’t just a snapshot in time, just a bad 24 hour stint.  It was little things that came up here and there, and though they were just that, minor, little things, the little things add up.

They added up.

I am upset that it’s over.  I mean, I liked him, I really did.  I put myself out there, kept on trucking, past date four and five and then onto eight and nine, until I lost count of what date we were on.  I continued on seeing him, got myself past my Jump Ship stage, and was feeling pretty okay about things.  He was the one that seemed more into it than me.  I kept going with it, trying not to be so damn attached to the outcome.

The thing is, it was all very lukewarm.  I liked him, he liked me, but there were things.  Stuff was grating on us about each other, as much as we both wanted it to work, as much as we both really do like each other, it just wasn’t meant to be.  And really, the thing is, I know it all takes work, but, should it take this much work, so soon?  I don’t think so.

And that’s still kind of sad.  I feel dissapointed that it ended.  Dissapointed and sad that it’s over.  Perhaps I kind of had an inkling, and it very well could have been that I would have been the one calling it quits two weeks from now, who knows.  And I’m sad that he ended it, and not me.  As if that really even matters, but still.  Who likes to be on the receiving end of this type of thing?  Even if you do kind of agree with it all, rejection never feels good.  It just doesn’t; no matter how much “sense” it all makes.  I’ve never been on this side of things, always the one to end things first.  I wouldn’t say that position is any easier or better or more ideal.  Both suck.  This is just different.

I guess it’s better that it happened sooner, rather than later.  I know in my heart that it’s good that I saw this one through, for what it’s worth, the whole experience certaintly was not for nothing.  I know that this will end up being one of those “learning” and “growing” experiences for me.  Eventually.

We both like each other, it’s just not meant to be.

Oh, and timing sucks.

***************************************************

So, today I’m wearing that cute outfit.  And I’m keeping my fingers crossed that my friend is right.

 

 

Now please excuse me while I ponder what after(?) work cocktails I will be seeing my way to today.

 

True fact: He used to teach sailing lessons.

Dating me is not always easy.  I can be difficult.  I overanalyze things to death.  I rehash, holy hell do I rehash the fuck out of things.  It’s not easy for me to let things go.  I ask a gazillion questions and that gets annoying.  I can sometimes be overly sensitive.  I like instant gratification.  I don’t like being turned down, hearing no, not getting my way.  Things aren’t always going to be easy peasy if you’re dating me.  That’s just the facts. 

That is what I know.

On the other hand, if you’re dating me, you will rest assured, on no uncertain terms, if I’m into you, I am into you.  I’ll shower you with kisses for no reason at all.  You’ll never doubt how happy you make me feel because I will constantly tell you how much in like I am with you.  I’ll give you your space and will not smother you, but you’ll know I like having you around.  I’ll leave you random notes for you to find after I’m gone.  I’ll bring you surprises just because, and I’ll make you feel special.  And hot.  You won’t wonder what my intentions are, feel like I’m hard to read or hard to get; I’ll be open with my thoughts and feelings and like for you, and I won’t play games.  I’ll plan out of the blue excursions for us.  I’ll cook for you and make you feel like a total stud in bed.  I’ll get to know your friends and want to do so even more, because I know that they are a reflection of who you are.

That much, I also know.

Relationships, new relationships, I used to think, had to be 100% easy and smooth sailing and never any bumpy roads.  None.  A small little blip, and I’d be out of there, thinking this was Some Big Sign and I needed to run as far away as possible.  Hell, need I remind you of my Jump Ship track record after the second or third date?  Right.  I used to be that girl, that if I had any spec on an inkling that things might not be Perfect, or be heading in that direction, I’d bail.

I still might have traces of that girl in me.  Don’t we all?  Don’t we all just want things to be easy, most all of the time?  That isn’t too much to ask, I don’t think.

Things are not always going to be Pure Bliss all of the time.  I’m just not wired like that.  I’m of the belief that from all this stuff, comes learning.  Growth.  Recognition of what we want and don’t want in a relationship.  And I’m not talking big, scary things here, like yelling and screaming and belitting and things of the like–absolutely non-negotiable things, in my book.  Little things.  Like the fact that he refuses to let me have icecream in his bed (seriously!?).  Truth be told, I think that is ridic, but am I going to cut my losses because of that?  Not so much.

And who knows where things will go with my Mr.Match.  We’ve had lots and lots of good times so far.  He continues to make me laugh, brings out the silly in me, even when it does baffle him at times, and I am continuing to be myself with him.  He’s kind and he’s been so very supportive at one of the lowest points of my life.  And to me?  There is really something to be said for that.  It doesn’t go unnoticed by me, the fact that all of this, with both of my grandparents dying since the start of 2008, that’s a lot.  It’s a hell of a lot for me, but it’s also a lot hanging over a new relationship’s head, you know?  It would be reason enough for me to understand if Mr.Match wanted to Jump Ship himself.  It’s hard stepping into new dating waters with all of that going on.  When you hardly know someone, how are you supposed to know what a grieving girl needs at any specific moment?  And the thing is, how can I expect him to know what to do, what to say, how to act, what I need, when I myself, haven’t a clue? 

So, long post made short here, dating?  For me?  Is taking some getting used to.  I’m not sure what the future holds for Mr.Match and I, whether we’re destined for something great or not, but I do know that I am enjoying the journey…cruising along, staying on this ship and seeing where it sails us to.  Realizing and keeping in mind, all the while, that the timing is a little funky, but what a tribute to him, that he has stuck around, by my side and in such a supportive way, through all of it.

I guess like with anything else, time will tell.

                                                         ****************************************

Thank you so much to all of you who left such wonderful, uplifting, encouraging and supportive comments (emails, texts, phone calls) over the last several days.  Though I usually like to respond to each comment individually, I feel a bit trite doing so in this circumstance, so I just want to say again, to all of you, THANK YOU.  It means so much.

 

staying on board

I am starting to think that there might be something wrong with me.  I say I want to date, but when I do, I always try and find an out.  I say I like meeting new guys, but when I do, I try and find something wrong with them.  I say I like going on first dates, but when I do, I try and pick it all apart.

Admitting all of these things is embarrassing.  Because I fear it comes off as though I think I’m God’s gift to the dating world, when really, it couldn’t be further from the truth.  I hate how snooty and critical and judgemental it makes me seem.  I don’t like being this girl.

But that’s how it gets.  I cannot just date a guy and just go with it.  I can’t take all of the sound advice that I dish out to my single, dating girlfriends on such matters.  About just going with it and having fun and going with the flow and just being present and enjoying yourself.  Instead I am always thinking too much into it, reading into this or that, looking for something wrong with him.  The Crazy takes over.

And as much as I try to just live in the moment, enjoy the newness and have fun with it, it will inevitably come to this.  Date three or four will roll around and I will be here, ready to jump ship*.

And then I over analyze that.  Does that mean I don’t like him enough?  If it was the “right guy” would I be acting differently, questioning it all less?  Would My Crazy be quiet?  Or is this just me?  Is this how I should just expect it will go, and eventually I will just get used to this part of My Crazy?

But I don’t want to “get used to” it.  I’m a very introspective person, so I’m not blinded to the fact that this whole thing is a trend that tends to go on at the start of any new something, with any new man.  I don’t want it to be like this forever.  I wish The Crazy would just… quiet down just a bit. 

Only one time did I jump full force into something, dove in head first, fell head over heals in love with a man who ended up not being right for me.  Who ended up being all wrong for me in heaps of ways, and perhaps, one of the bigger things that changed in me since that relationship is my reluctance to be so free with myself.

So now I’m the other extreme.  Overly cautious, guarded, careful.  Not so much that my date would ever know, because when we’re out for drinks or at a hockey game or seeing a cool jazz band on a Thursday night, I’m fully present (or so it would seem).  I’m into it and into him and I don’t know whether I’m doing this to just go with the motions of it, to convince myself that this is how it should be, or whether this is really me, feeling this.

I am dating a guy right now where things are going well.  He’s cute and he’s kind and he really makes me laugh.  He layers!, and he has a damn good HOH.  He’s intelligent and he dresses well, he’s considerate and he’s into me.  And there is nothing wrong with him.  I’m looking around for something, but I’ve got nothin. 

Yet, I’m still reluctant.  And I then go wondering, what’s that mean???  Is my hesitation a bad thing?  Indication that I need to call it quits?  Or perhaps it’s the opposite.  Perhaps my reluctance means that I need to give it more of a chance.

I don’t know the answer.  This isn’t a new thing, a new revelation on my part.  Here I am again, at date three/four, and it’s happening.  I’ve had this pattern of doing this kind of thing in new relationships for a long time.  And hell if I know what it all means.  But I’d like it to be different. 

Perhaps it’s a matter of just simply giving guys more of a chance, and perhaps, just letting them in a little bit.

It’s all very Runaway Bride-esque, no?

 

after this, choosing to let it go

Something has been bothering me.  

I would not say that I’m overly sensitive.  I have been called a “sensitive Sally” before, but that was from a really insensitive asshat ex boyfriend.   

So the fact that this something is getting to me is not so much about being overly sensitive (here’s a little bit of My Crazy for you- the feeling that I need to justify my every move?) and more about just being… irked.  Mainly, it’s about a couple comments made by a friend and a loved one recently that just… rubbed me the wrong way.

So there’s a friend of mine.  We’re talking several weeks back, and he asks how I’m doing with everything that’s been going on (with my grandfather).  I explain how I am having trouble getting my mind off of how my grandfather is getting noticeably sicker, and the idea that one day, soon, he will no longer be here.  How it is constantly something, a heavy something at that, weighing on my mind.

And his response? 

“Well Brookem, you just can’t let that stuff consume you.  You have to get it off your mind.”

As if there is an on/off button for my emotions?

And then there’s a family member who I get an email from with this gem yesterday,

“Brookem, you seemed down on the phone the other day.  I know this was a big loss for you, but it’s been two weeks.”

As if there is a time frame for this type of thing?  It’s only been two weeks.  What. The. Fuck.

And both these things, they really get to me.  Frustrate me, a lot.  I mean mainly, it’s because I expect more from these two people.  When something like this comes from a stranger it’s one thing, annoying still, yet, it’s different.  When something like this is expressed from someone who is supposed to accept you, love you, be there for you unconditionally?  It’s a complete other thing. 

And it’s not cool.

When it’s from a good friend or, your father?  You know, it’s just not easy to swallow.  When it comes from those that are near and dear to you, it’s a different story all together.

And I am by no means saying that I was looking for a pity party in either of these situations.  In fact, both situations were prompted by the other person, asking how I was, noticing how I was.  Here I was, simply expressing my feelings, hoping for even something as simple as silence (because silence?  it can be meaningful too), and I get slammed with this.  And believe me, I am more than okay too with people even saying, “you know what, I don’t really know what to say.”  But by saying what they think I should be doing, telling me how they would do things differently?  It’s not what I needed.  It’s not helpful.  It’s straight up invalidating one’s feelings, and it’s the exact opposite of support.

And the thing is, I am sure that in their own, sort of twisted way, this was their attempt to be supportive.  I get that.  Some people are just different in these situations and I can get that.  It’s that when something like this comes out of left field, from someone you expect more…class from, it can just have that tendency to get to you in a way that you don’t see coming.  

It was hurtful, that’s what it was.  I can be okay with it, I can and I will move on, be done with it.  At that point a couple weeks ago, and still yesterday, I didn’t and I still don’t have it in me to have to explain how very unhelpful that kind of response is.  And although I’m the first one to say that if you’re unhappy about something, then do something about it already, damnit, this is a time I’m just not up for it.

Because reacting wouldn’t do me any good right now; I know this.  So for now I will just get it out here, probably bitch about it some to a friend, and then, move on.

Because that’s all I’ve got right now.

 

where I wound up on my morning commute

Do you know what you get when you mix a 40 minute commute, a girl with her period (don’t get the creeps, it’s life!), and Anna Nalick on the radio?

Tears.  Tears in my car.  I was that girl today.   Driving to work, trying to merge into oncoming traffic, when Anna Nalick’s Catalyst came on, and I just lost it.  Right then and there on the highway, sitting in stopped traffic next to Mr. I’ve Had What Looks Like Six Cups of Coffee Already, listening to what I can only imagine was some schmaltzy Christmas number as he airdrummed his steering wheel in merry amusement, scooting his way to my passenger side window.   And opps, little did the poor dude know what he was about to make eye contact with this morning.  He looked over, I looked up, my blurry eyes met his.   He saw my tears and he gave me one of those sympathetic sad, pouty looks, him in his red plaid scarf and L.L. Bean looking coat, also lined with a plaid looking something (you know the one I’m talking about).   And then he shrugged.  And I kind of shrugged back; gave him a little half-assed smile in between the ugly cry as to signify I was okay.  The ugly cry which I was trying to hold in for at least that moment because really, you only let your nearest and dearest see the ugly cry, and even then it’s embarrassing and you hate that you’re doing it.   But when it’s a complete stranger, like Mr. Coffee here this morning, well you try your best to regain some sort (?) of composure so you aren’t looking completely off the handle during this moment, knowing full well of the strong potential that Mr. Coffee will soon be making his way into work and very well will bust out this story about the girl who was bawling uncontrollably next to him on his morning commute this morning.   Har har har, good water cooler fodder for all!

I’m okay now though.  I guess I just needed a good cry there as I’ve been keeping a lot in these last few weeks.   And they weren’t all sad tears, not even!  Some were confused and unsure tears.  Tears of uncertainty and fear, what if? tears.   Tears of relief and tears of thanks.  No reason tears, or PMS tears (ahem) I guess.  Just tears, tears that needed out.   Held in tears that I guess were waiting for that perfect 40 minute car ride and some sad ballads to finally let loose and escape.  Tears warmly received by the kind, knowing, understanding and sympathetic smile of a stranger on the highway this morning.

 

on toll booths, hockey, and ethical decisions

Welp, the weekend is here and I kind of feel like the week went by reasonably quick.  How about you?  How was your week?  Big weekend plans?  I don’t have anything in mind for a post that’s all concise and coherent, so I’m going to grace you all with some more bullets.  Don’t worry, you can thank me later. 

• I’m having (extra) difficulty with Christmas shopping this year.  Besides the fact that I’m just not that into him it, and have no desire whatsoever to step a heel into a mall in any way shape or form, I simply just don’t know what to get people this year.   I have been hitting up the strip of little stores right near my work during my lunch hour the past couple of weeks. My main issue is that I’m buying more for myself than for others!   That probably makes me sound selfish and ungrateful and grinchy?, but the thing is I am looking for others, I just keep stumbling upon things that I like.  And sales!  There’s heaps of sales around now and I just can’t force myself to not checkout what looks like a bargain.   Like just this week alone how I have gifted myself one flirty little cocktail dress for the holiday season, one pink v-neck sweater, one greenish hued turtle neck sweater, several pieces of stationary and paraphernalia of the like, oh and one pair of pajama bottoms.   I need help! 
• Cosmo has taken a liking to pouncing his badass self onto my dresser.  Consequently (and because I’m not very good at keeping my jewelry organized), I am missing matches to my earrings.   My favorite silver earrings that my roommate got me for Christmas last year?  Just one!  A two bracelet combo/set that I (ahem), gifted myself last year?   Missing it’s partner.  I don’t know how to get him to not go up there, but something has gotta give.
• Oh, here’s a go figure for ya.  So my grandfather is home and doing a bit better as time goes on, but still not totally able to do things all on his own, independently, like shower and bathe and dress and things of the like.   And we’ve all been taking turns, staying over, helping out where we can, but since my mom and her siblings all work full time, we kind of need some help.  For when someone can’t be there in the morning to help my grandfather out with the getting ready part.  So, we’ve hired a family friend type person, a man because that’s what my grandfather would be most comfortable with, and wouldn’t you know?  The guy?  I made out with him two summer’s ago at a bbq.  He’s very very nice, and my grandparents just think he’s an absolute peach.  I do believe I may run into him tonight and that should be all sorts of interesting, I’m sure.
• I hate how pitch dark it is by the time I leave work each night now.  It’s wicked eerie walking to my car when it’s so dark, it makes it feel colder and more like winter, and I just miss the nice, peaceful, pretty sunsets that I used to enjoy on my drive home.   Sucks winter is coming in full force.
• Except that it doesn’t really feel like winter yet.  With random 60 degree days thrown in the week (which I’m not complaining about!), and not even a spec of snow that has fallen, it’s just not feeling that very winter-esque to me yet.   Which maybe has to do with why I’m not so much in the holiday spirit?  Maybe after December first it will feel more… real?   I’m not banking on that though.
• Oh, still very much addicted to Pandora, in case you were wondering.
• I’m going to a hockey game tonight (woot!), and amused myself with this article and the pictures associated with it this morning whilst enjoying my wake-up o’ Joe.
• Last night I totally missed my exit going home.  The normal exit I get off doesn’t have a toll, but since I missed mine, I ended up on a different highway, and had to pay a toll, and drive 15 minutes out of my way to the next exit to turn around and head back home.  I was having big difficulties finding the .30 I needed for the second toll, I dropped a dime in my new shoes, and when I finally scrounged up the change I needed, I realized I was heading for the Fast Lane.  In an effort to avoid that, I veered right, and then realized I was likely heading for the toll booth of a guy I dated last year given the head I saw in the booth.  Not that the run in would be bad, but I wasn’t feeling up for the whole “what have you been up to since you’ve been dating me?” conversation, so I made it out just in time to get in the lane I needed to be in, and got home shortly thereafter.  With an extra 30 minutes added to my commute!
• I am going to a training/seminar today at my Alma Mater.  Which is pretty cool, to go back to my old stomping grounds.  The training is on ethics (and counseling), which I guess is nice and timely going right into the weekend.  Nothing like making good choices and all.
• If you have a laptop, what kind do you have?  I’m in the market and looking for suggestions and you know how I feel about anything techy, so I need all the help I can get. 

TGIF and happy last day of nomoblofosho to all of you who partook!

 

monitor this crazy

Hi there blog, remember me?  Man, what a week without internet access at home will do to a girl.   Our computer monitor shit the bed on Wednesday, causing my roommate to call me, frazzled from home (lucky lady, gets to work from home one day a week), needing the number for Dell Support.   Hell if I know what the issue was.  She was on the phone with Dell, I’m online in some sort of chat something with some support someone, trying to explain a situation I know nothing about and holy hell, is it not clear why I have a “technology drives me to drink” tag?   Right.  Sucks.

But we’re back in action, new monitor and all.  And here I am, behind on reading all your posts and commenting, hardly offering much updates on here, and tragically, not updating this weeks HOH yet.   The horror!

A week ago (when I introduced to you all, The Crazy), the guy I wrote about came out with my group of friends and I to a local brewery.  I wouldn’t necessarily say it was a “test,” per se… well, maybe not in those exact words.   Or maybe I would.  It was.  Pretty much a big test, because for me, it’s a big thing that the guy I’m dating can mesh in well with my group of friends.   We’re all very very close, also quite welcoming, so it wasn’t a big deal, it shouldn’t be at least.  And actually, it wasn’t.   He did well.  Meshed in good, was able to hold his own with my guy friends while I was off talking with the girls, that was all fine.  But as you can tell on my last post, the sparks?  They just… never happened.  I waited for it and waited for it.  Hoped it would happen, tried to give the “chemistry develops over time” bit a chance; I really did.  And I still believe that can happen, the progression of it all.   But bottom line, something, some… attraction, has to be there from the getgo.  It just has to be, at least for me.

So that’s on the wrap up.  I still need to have “that” conversation, which, I’m not looking forward to.   Oh, and?  To top this whole thing all off?  I get back from a retail therapy lunch today, to a beautiful arrangement of flowers on my desk.  Delivered to my office, from him.  With a really kind, thoughtful, sweet note, to cheer me up about everything going on with my grandparents.  They are beautiful.  It’s all so very nice and thoughtful, and sweet.  But, as nice as it all is… it doesn’t really make up for the chemistry that is missing.  I wish it could.  It makes it that much harder to tell him that I’m not feeling it.

Anyway.  I feel I owe it to him to be up front and honest about things.  So tomorrow we are meeting for coffee at Barnes and Noble, and good lord, I hope it goes smoothly.

And on a week when I actually felt like I had a lot to say (go figure), I am not able to come here and write it out.   I want to update you all on the wonderful time I had last weekend with the little mini trip I took to NY.  Show you some pictures from that much needed escape.   Talk to you about a good friend I have, a platonic relationship, Joey and Dawson style, that is really making me smile lately. 

So I’ll be back.  Probably tomorrow when I have a little more time and clarity.   My mind is still quite heavy, laden with family stuff and what not.  So tonight, just back from visiting with my grandparents, both home from hospital stays, finally, I plan to sit down with some wine and just be.  Hope you all have a great Friday and weekend.

 

for what it’s worth

Not 48 hours before hitting “publish” on the last post, did I realize that I am, in fact, all set.

Not exactly jumping ship so much, rather, this time instead I have realized, that while dating him was pretty okay, it’s just not what I am looking for.

And over the past month +, from this, and a few other situations, I have learned and realized ever more that:

-Chemistry can actually develop over time and doesn’t need to be instantaneous.
-And sometimes, over time, it just doesn’t happen.
-It can be really worth it to give it a shot, either way.

-Sometimes, right from the get-go, we’re able to know if things are going to go anywhere special.
-Sometimes, even if it’s not really… getting there, the process can still be interesting, and fun, and eye-opening.
-Other times, staying in on a Friday night to watch dvr’d Tim Gunn, is the better option.

-Physical chemistry cannot be forced.
-Trying to do so, looking for that glimmer of connection in that way, can begin to feel a bit tedious, to say the least.

-Yet, physical chemistry is by all means, not everything.
-And while it absolutely needs to be present, the fact that it’s there, does not mean a relationship can be sustained on that alone.

-It’s tough stuff when feelings are not mutual.
-And, it sucks to have that conversation.  That “breaking up with you even though we’re not really ‘together’ together,” conversation.

But in the end, at the end of the day, we learn.  If we’re lucky, we come out of it all, learning more about ourselves and what it is we’re looking for.  What things can be overlooked, and what is non-negotiable.  How putting yourself out there, even at the risk of potentially having your heart ache a bit if things don’t turn out all butterflies and rainbows, is darn right, worth it.  For at the very least, you are more aware.  You’ve opened yourself up to the idea of a new something, a new someone. 

It may not have worked out, but I can at least say that the past couple of months have not been a waste in that way.  I know even more now what I want, need, and what I’m looking for.  And even if it’s not an ideal or “happy” outcome, that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t worth it. 

It should be worth it.

 

my Crazy

What I haven’t told you all much about on here, hardly anything at all in fact, is that there is a guy.  A nice, kind, friendly, good head of hair, well layered, blue eyed boy who smells good, who I have been on some dates with.   Good dates, the kind where conversation flows easily as does really yummy pumpkin ale (with a cinnamon sugar coated rim!   UNBELIEVABLE! I tell you).  The kind of dates where you’re feeling at ease and in your element and you actually aren’t analyzing every little detail of every nuance of every little part of the date.  Some assessment, sure.  But you have promised yourself you would try your damnedest to not do that, for the love of god… and, so far so good.

I haven’t talked much about the dates and that stuff because… well, I just don’t do too much of that here.  Usually, the reason is that I just don’t like talking about things prematurely (I’m still not even sure if I’ll post this), because what if I decide next week, that I’m all set?   Realize that sure, he’s nice and kind, and I like the way he calls when he says he will, and the way he can match me beer for beer, how we have a good time and all, but… somethings missing.   And then I’ve gone and talked it all up here, and people will wonder why it’s stopped and I won’t really have a good explanation other than that it just did.  

And that’s it.

And the thing is, this is such a great, supportive blogging community going here, that I know none of you would really care.  And, I know that I would owe not one person an explanation as to why I’m not blogging about this or all of a sudden that.   But I worry.   I overthink things a bit (big surprise, no?).  So, I mean, that’s why I haven’t talked about much dating and the like as of late.  

That’s one part of it.  The other part?  The other huge, big, big part, is that then?   When I write about these dates, you very well may then potentially (very likely at least at some point) all  see The Crazy.  My Crazy (A term for it all that I have used before, in conversation, and excitedly found out, others know too).  At some point, I’ll be bound to mention my obsessive thoughts of what ifs and what nows that are typically shared via late night or on the way to work phonecalls with my nearest and dearest (wonderful, thank you!) friends.  You will all see my neurosis, laid right out here for you (probably not always very articulately and coherently).  It will be published here and it will no longer be something that I have kept tucked away from all of you, safely secured in my own mind, or in long winded emails to friends, and chats over wine with my lovely blond roommate.

And you know what?  That’s all fine.  Because part of me, most of me, says screw all of that.  Screw even worrying that you may all see The Crazy from time to time (and holy hell, THEN what?!), because we all have some Crazy in our life, in our minds, in our relationships and in our daily grinds.  And if I’m being true to myself and trying to live my life in a way that’s authentic and true and real, then I need to just throw caution to the wind and just let it go already.

So that’s what I’m going to do from here on out, or at least I will try.  I can’t promise that when The Crazy comes out, it will be pretty, or well written, or laced with puns and even actually make any sort of sense.  

But what I can promise, what you will read, is writing that is real, and authentic.  As it always has been, but I now, I will not be so worried and concerned, and preoccuopied about it all.  Because in the end, who really needs another thing to worry about these days or any days for that matter?  
 
So in wrap up, what I want to say to all of you, my dear bloggybuds, is a huge thank you.  Thank you for making me feel like I can share the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly, and the not always so sane stuff with you. 
 
I very, very much appreicate it.